This week’s saga of our Bachelor’s [brought to you by Emily McAllister] quest for love was set in ‘such a magical place to fall in love’ … Ft. Lauderdale. When we last left our vying ladies, short-haired Becca had come clean about her (young) age in an awesomely awkward conversation with Arie, but he decided that their 14-year age gap wasn't enough to send her packing. Krystal (the wannabe-instafamous-workout-queen), was beginning to come unraveled and ‘show her true colors’, (what color is crazy?) No one else really mattered last week, so let’s move in to this week’s awesomely idiotic quotes:
1. “I’m on a dream-boat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.” Oh Chelsea, really? Would you like some crackers with that cheese? But I will say this, Chelsea won me over this week with her story of single-momdom, so I will excuse this corny comment, (which a producer probably told her to say anyway).
2. So this isn’t a quote, but can we talk about why there just happened to be a telescope on the ladies hotel deck, that just happened to point right at Arie and Chelsea’s one-on-one date? Why?!
3. “In Arizona if we wanna have fun, we go bowling.” Arie, I was unaware that Arizona was some sort of a bowling sanctuary state. Weird. Also right after this claim, Arie LICKED a frickin’ bowling ball. I sincerely hope there was a PA assigned to lysoling the crap out of that thing, beforehand.
4. Again, not direct quotes, but Krystal’s opening bowling prayer (in her dog's Wayne and Chuckie’s names), and her after-bowling toast in which she delivers a passive-aggressive, sh*t-sandwich motivational ‘speech’. Cue plot point: Hurricane Krystal, (who I will now only refer to s CRUSTal from here on out.)
5. “I didn’t leave my self-respect at home when I came on this journey. I brought it with me.” Oh honey, that would imply that you had it to begin with. (Nothing says self-respect like competing with 30 other women for a man you don’t know).
6. “This is like, pure nature.” Deep thoughts by Tia, the pretty Arkansas bumpkin, who is basically the exact same person as Raven from Nick’s season. I won’t even get in to her discussion about ‘froggin’, because it was so deeply disturbing. Who kills frogs for sport? People from Weiner, Arkansas; that’s who.
7. “Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room, I was investing in myself. Like, I was discovering.” Sadly I think CRUSTal has confused self-obsession for self-care.
8. “I wouldn’t eat you, I wouldn't. (pause) I swear.” No one believes you, taxidermy (Kendall), but I still like you.
9. “I’m done! (hand motion) That was glitter. GLITTER.” There are no words. [Please see above]
Photo Via: @bachelorabc
10. “I grew up in a bowling alley… well my mom worked at a bowling alley.” Does anyone else feel like CRUSTal is trying to play the part of what she thinks a Bachelor contestant is supposed to do next? This was the part where she (unsuccessfully) attempted to get sympathy from Arie with her ‘woe is me, I’m so damaged’ sob story. At this point Arie is definitely just keeping her around because the producers told him to. I was actually impressed with how unimpressed Arie was, and I loved when he basically grounded her from the after-party. Anyway, moving on…
11. This golden exchange:
CRUSTal: This is our first fight (excitedly, like it was some joyous milestone)!; Arie: It could be our last fight. Arie, for the WIN! Maybe he’s not as soft as I originally thought, he is afterall, a racecar driver. Proof:
“I showed him fun, passionate, sad, emotional, excited, futuristic.” Was CRUSTal just naming different emojis or what? And what the sh*t is ‘futuristic’?
In closing, no matter who wins the heart of our hopelessly romantic, kissing bandit, Arie, one thing is for certain. Each of these women will become instagram-famous, and isn’t that the point of this show anyway?