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If Halloween Candies Were Your Bridal Party Who’d They Be?

Dylans Candy Bar Candy Lineup Photo :

T-minus six days until Halloween happens (and we can dress up like our favorite Game of Thrones characters, once again), but we can say with all honesty that our candy dishes have been filled since before October even began. No, really, I went out to Target for a few things last night, and inevitably came home with some extra (but always wanted) guests. Twix, Milky Ways, 3 Musketeers, Snickers, M&M’s, Reese’s, Butterfingers, Skittles, yah, the gang’s all here… don’t judge.

As I was standing at the checkout line, I looked down at my stockpile of sweets and starting thinking about this crew and all of their characteristics. From sweet & salty to nutty, sugar coated and everything in between, the iconic candies we once trick or treated for are kind of the best representation of a bridal party… right? There’s always a Twix-like pair of bridesmaids who are joined at the hip.

Anyway, we took one for the team, Netflix-ed and binged to bring you a who’s-who of these candies and their bridal party counterparts. Take a peek and let us know if you don’t totally agree.


As mentioned above, we all have those bridesmaid besties who literally can’t be separated. They come to all the dress appointments together, synchronize their drinking after the bridal shower and before the bachelorette party, talk about which groomsmen they want to pair up with, they’re #twinsies and they can be annoying and make ridiculous requests. But truth be told, they’re also competitive and crave nothing but to be the preferred ‘side,’ left or right. They’re seemingly sisters, but simultaneously bitter rivals, and they can stir up some craziness in the group.


Whoever you are, the bride or the groom, your Snickers if your significant other, your other (or better) half, the one who completes you and mellows out even your worst ‘zilla’ tendencies. You’ve seen the commercials, guy or girl goes off the rails (umm… easily imaginable for the wedding day) until he or she is brought back to down to Earth with just one bite of their peanut-nougat-and-caramel filled bar. You’re not you, when you’re hungry, remember? Everyone needs a Snickers in the person they’ll say ‘I Do’ too and sign on for the rest of their lives with.


Okay, this doesn’t sound great… but it’s unbelievably true. Every bridal party has those few people, bridesmaids or groomsmen, who were just asked to be a part of the day either out of obligation (this happens with families), or to help even out either side of the squad. They’re ‘fillers.’ No one loves them, but no one hates them, either. And they’re snackable… meaning, that they’ll always be in the plastic pumpkin bowl and, in turn, at all the necessary wedding events. They can be a bride’s bestie for the day, or left to chill on their own.


These girls and guys are the favorites, the ones that no self-respecting candy fiend would ever trade at the end of a night of trick or treating. There’s a reason why these chocolate and peanut butter bites of heaven are consistently ranked highest on EVERYONE’S Halloween hot list. They’re the MOH and the Best Man, the true ride or dies who will be making sure the guests of honor are taken care of in the best ways possible. And they know they’re the HBIC (head bitch, head bro, whatever), so they’re kind of untouchable. That means that if you end up on their shit list, then you’re also not sitting too pretty with the bride and groom.


First they’re sour, then they’re sweet… ah, yes, the ring bearer and the flower girl. What wedding party would be complete without these little hell raisers. No matter how damn delicious they are toddling down the aisle or getting pulled down in a wagon, there’s always a moment before when the little ones show some sass. Whether it’s the little boy walking in on the bride peeing (not-so-beautifully) in her dress or the little girl throwing a full-on mini-bridezilla fit that she can’t hold a pretty bouquet like the rest of the bridesmaids. They’ll undoubtedly steal the spotlight with their cuteness, but they’ll put us through the ringer first.

Mary janes

These are the worst. The absolute worst. No child ever dumped out their Halloween candy at the end of the night and said “YESSSS” to seeing Mary Janes. I’m 29 years old, and I still don’t even know what they are, let alone get excited to see them co-mingling in a bowl of otherwise yummy candies. Even the other candies are like GTFO, who invited you? So, you can only imagine that these would be the wedding guests who you just wish you could politely uninvite to the party. Your dad’s childhood best friend’s new wife, your Mother-in-Law’s cousin who’s met you a few times but still calls you by your hubby or wife’s ex’s name. Even your own boss who you have to see all week long and wouldn’t mind getting a declined RSVP from.

milk duds

Full disclosure, Milk Duds aren’t bad, they really aren’t, but they’re also not the sweets you want to spend the rest of your candy-eating life with. Maybe they’re a guilty pleasure. You’re hungry, craving something that you just can’t bear to wait till cheat day to eat, and you remember those Milk Duds that were left in the bowl after Halloween… Your first bite is orgasmic, that chocolate-covered caramel is sinfully satisfying, but then you’re chewing for the next 12 years. It’s gluey and sticky and just won’t go away, even after brushing your teeth a berzerk amount of times. Yep, this is the ‘bad decision’ scenario at any wedding. Once the cocktails are flowing and you’re basking in the ambiance of true love, it’s easy to go home with the beautiful and bubbly bridesmaid or the life-of-the-party pal of the groom. But once the moment has passed, regret might set in, and you coulddd find yourself in a clingy and so-not-ideal set of circumstances.

And now, to be as basic as humanly possible, we’re going to invite over our bridal party, pound some Reese’s and figure out how to get festive AF for Halloween next week. Countdown is on.

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