I have to be 100%, I've never EVER watched The Bachelor in the history of the series. No joke. I'm not into drama and bitching and vindictive sh*t. No, I don't watch Housewives either. I'm more of a Handmaid's Tale, Ozark, You're The Worst, Great News, GOT kinda person. HOWEVER, I happened to see Arie on some NYE countdown show (I can't even remember which one because I was plagued with the flu and spent my evening on the couch in sweats) anyway I was like "Oh, he looks nice and that damn Emily broke his heart" so I better tune in. Does anyone understand? I hope I am not alone.
Photo via: @bachelorabc
Well, we all know how weird episode one was and two was like what THE actual F is happening. *Bumper car trauma? I mean ... So I thought I'd chime in with 10 of the dumbest things said on the bachelor this week.
PS I know I'm a day late, but I'm loyal to my watching partner, Genny, and that's just how it is. Also, it's also wine o'clock so I'm ready for whatever these crazy desperate women throw my way.
Let the dumbness begin
1. "Behind every good man is a strong women." Really Chris? Really. Sexist much?
Side note: Is Arie's shirt made of leather?
2. "You're absolutely pathetic. Ohhhh, did I hurt your feelings?" Mean wrestling lady. Ew.
Bibiana is my favorite BTW.
3. "The other girls should be quivering in their boots. I'm about to just tear this shit up." Tear it up #barelylegal you'll prob only be sentenced to juvi away.
4. "Arie is a baller, he's a race care driver so he belongs with a real women." That's what we all want ... a baller. That's it.
#5 was in fact brought to you by baby Cecelia.
6. I don't think there's enough wine for this show. Not on the show, a personal observation.
7. "I actually have REALLY not felt this type of chemistry with somebody in a really long time." (Since your senior prom Baby Bekah?)
ROSE TO BEKAH IN YOUR FACE BREATHY KRYSTAL
8. "I get hated on by girls, they just get jealous. My friend in 8th grade told me her BF broke up with her so he could date me, I will never bring a BF around you again." Smh Krystal. 8th grade? 8th grade.
9. "The date card said 'You had me at Merlot' ... I think it has to do with wine." Really Lauren S., you think that Merlot has something to do with wine? You're so intuitive.
Side note: Arie is HAMMMMMMIED right now. 🤪 Starry Arie niiiiiiiights ....
Woah ... can I walk you out? Arie. Savage. Cut to dramatic shot of Arie holding the rose under the bistro lights.
10. *Bumper car trauma girl shockingly has puppy trauma too. What did you lose your Pochocco lunch box when you were seven, Annaliese? What will Annaliese's next trauma be? Electric toothbrush trauma? Breathing air trauma? Debit card trauma? Chip bag opening trauma? Tune in next week .....
OK LIKE WE WOULD BE DONE AT 10, BUT NOT A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL.
11. "Stop being so condescending to everyone because you met his dog." Green is not your color, Caroline.
12. "Jesus needs to take the wheel" says Bibiana "thank you for this beautiful day and my friend Tia and let one of those girls get bitten by a puppy."
13. "Arie is courting these girls doggy-style ...." Oh Fred Willard. #metoo is probably nipping at your heels.
14. I'll give Chelsea a pass tonight because she's got to be missing her little boy. She is still my least favorite next to phone sex operator Krystal, but I'm keepin' it zipped. 🤭
15. Annnnnnnnnd Arie is chemically inconvenienced AGAIN.
Side note: my teenager just walked in with a handful of Pedro's Taco sauce for those of you who DON'T know Pedro's Taco's World's Best Tacos Since 1986 has the yummiest (spicy ketchup) you're ever had. Egg, cheese and potato burrito FTW.
16. "Heeeeyyyyyyy ..." the desperado cut-in special ... it's almost time for the rose ceremony. It's gonna get U-G-L-Y.
17. "Can't I get five more minutes?" Ohhhh Arie ... ouch. I feel for you Bibiana. You're too good for him, girl. Leave the show before you get booted. Go ... just go.
18. "Wha't kinda freaked me out is I do feel the way I do about you." Oh Tia, bless your heart, you're probably my new favorite.
Holy sh*t, Arie will literally kiss ANYONE ... poor Annaliese. Bye Annaliese. Here's another trauma for you ... rejection trauma. FIVE seconds later he's kissing taxidermy girl. Face palm. Then full face smash with white dress updo girl. Annaliese, you better believe it's over. Stop being such a victim. Annnnnnd she's out.
HOLY ROSES. What the what? You'll find love bibigirl.
"I am broken and I want everyone to know that I have tried." Oh, calm down middle school - this was a HUGE social media boost for you AND your perfect butt and you landed #TheBachelorWinterGames.
Judge not for there were bottles of New Zealand Oyster Bay consumed this eve. xo Amy